Suicide note.
4.10pm, I was late. I had to leave now. So I did, I rushed to the bus stop, boarded 106 and dropped off at orchard, ran to the mrt station. Rushed and lined up for the train. So finally I reach pasir ris, I run home in 6 mins and shower and charge my phone. I bathed in 4 mins. As I already planned my outfit the night before, I got dressed as quickly as I can. By 5.40pm i was wearing my socks and leaving my house. Rushed to the bus stop and took the next bus that was headed to the interchange, ran to the train station and jumped through the closing doors, to make it just in time. Phew. One stop later, Tampines, i dropped off and ran to the bus stop. waited for 168. i finally got on the bus, sadly i had to stand throughout the journey. I could bear with it. During the 45 mins journey, I placed my hands together and I prayed that everything would go well and that God would help me rush the things that needed to be rushed, cause He knows that I’m in a hurry. The moment i alighted, i ran to the flower shop at Causeway Point, and started to find daises, unfortunately, there weren’t any. I settled for a sunflower instead. I had 20 bucks, i paid 6 and now I’m left 14, for the rest of the month. I knew i was in trouble. With no hesitation, I picked out the sunflower and rushed down, and was already on my way, brisk walking to RP. it was really far and I didn’t wanna be late. So at certain points, I ran.
After what seemed to be forever, I made it to the TRCC. I got in and thankfully I found Syafe and Faris, so i sat with them. They asked and I told them abit about my tokyo trip but before i got comfortable, the first act was about to begin.
After the fourth act, i stared worrying about my Magrhib prayers. it was 8.05pm and the next prayer of the day was at 8.18pm i had exactly 13 mins to make this right. So i told myself to just do it. I got up during the 4th act and rushed outside. I got outside hall and dashed to the toilet. Washed myself and then did my prayers.
Dear God, Ya Allah, please make everything smooth for her. Please don’t let anything screw this up for her. She’s been practising so hard for so long and don’t let her effort go to waste. Make this the best performance for her. I came here to support, to watch her dance, God please make this count. Hopefully, her dance team’ll make this work and make this worth it. Amin.
I tied my laces and folded my prayer mat, headed back to the doors of the hall. Unfortunately, the ushers stalled me. They told me that I had to wait for the 5th and 6th act to finish before i could enter. I thought, oh my god, what the hell? So fine. I waiting about 10 mins outside and then they finally let me in.
The last act of the first half ended and there was an intermission. Somehow, I found myself telling Syafe and Faris the sweet primary school story of Sophian and Huda or as I like to call it, SODA, yes yes. I shipped the both of us, what the hell right? i know i know now shut up. So I told them that I got to know Huda in primary 6 and we started out hating each other and that we didn’t even talk to each other, but things happened and we started talking and 3 months in, we were dating. IN PRIMARY SCHOOL. unbelievable i know. “So on 14th April 2008 was the day I got with Huda” Syafe and Faris couldn’t stop laughing when i told them that Huda asked me for stead and I didn’t know the meaning of stead. and i was so unsure and so young. Not anymore heh. I got interrupted by the Emcees and the second half of Elysium was about to commence. 15 mins and two acts later, MJC’s malay cultural society were positioned on stage. With my Canon 700D, in my hand, I fired away. Taking as many shots as I can. it wasn’t very well lit and i didn’t have the best camera with the best equipment for these kinds of situations but this is what I got.
It wasn’t long before the whole dance performance ended and i found myself outside with Qayyum. We talked and he gave me a piece of advice, which I’ll treasure a lot. Soon, I was making friends with Huda’s bestfreinds: Arinah and Kapeela. They were really nice and friendly and they were open, which was good. I started to thank God that Huda’s bestfreinds were really nice girls. God knows she needs the both of them. It wasn’t before one of us received a phone call from her and I decided to meet near the entrance/cafe area because I knew that there would be less people there, and I’d have more personal time with Love. I ran up to her and hugged her, tightly. I presented the sunflower and offered a light peck on the cheek. Unfortunately she was on the phone, too busy to entertain me and my surprises, as usual. something that i’m used to but i carry on anyway.
Then I helped to take pictures of the three of them, arinah huda and kaps (for short), then it was my turn to pose with the beautiful dancer with all that make up and costume and what not i felt like dull standing beside her as she was very well done, holding the flowers as we smiled for our shot.
After like 7 phone calls and conversations, she knew she would get in trouble if she didn’t get out of her costume and return to her teacher in charge like NOW. She knew, but..
‘Wait outside’
’Why? I’ll just wait for you here’
'No just wait for me outside’
'No huda, its okay, i’ll be there. Go change, hurry.’
I didn’t want to budge, so I waited for her at a nearby couch which was 2 metres away from her. Dina, Huda’s dance friend came and she was in a mess with her costume. So I asked, Dina do you need some help? She was surprised and ‘YES PLEASE’ so I was helping her fold her costume because i knew that her teacher in charge was already furious and impatient. As I was busy helping Dina, at the corner of my eyes, two boys walked past a corner where I knew Huda was going to be.
Now, ladies and gentlemen. I can’t breathe.
Once I completed folding the costume, I turned to corner to check. I was right, and I hated being right.
I… I.. I.. couldn’t believe it..
There she was giving him a big hug, and so excited to take a picture him. More excited to see him than to see me, and definitely a bigger hug than the one she gave me. I was THIS close to puking. I couldn’t breathe. And I took 3 steps back, I almost knocked into a wall. I ran out and clenched my fists. I covered my mouth. I was about to puke. But i told myself this can’t be real. I walked into the CC again, and now it was… worse.
If that wasn’t bad enough. She was still putting her arm around his waist but now she wasn’t just hugging him, she was cuddling him and resting her head/hair on his chest, He kissed her. I saw it. My heart dropped to the floor. I ran out to the car porch and found a bench. I saw down and cried. I couldn’t believe it.
Oh God why? why do these things happen to me? why? why? why God why? I prayed for her, I pray for her. every. single. day. and every. single. prayer. WHY?! GOD ANSWER ME NOW!
I phoned my bestest friend in the whole wide world and broke down, he told me that God wanted to show me the truth. That, Sop, this would be the perfect opportunity to leave for good. That, Sop, wake up, you don’t deserve this.
and God, I didn’t deserve this.
10 mins later, as I watched from afar, I saw her leaving the changing area, STILL WITH HIM. I cried, again.
At this point of time, my hair was like a madman. My shirt looked disgusting, my eyes were red, my nose was runny and I looked crazy. Honestly, the wires inside me broke and I had completely lost my mind.
GOD TAKE ME NOW. JUST KILL ME NOW.
Sidetrack: About 100 days ago, Huda ditched me for him. She left me alone for 2 and half hours. She wanted to talk to HIM and not me. I was there at her school’s open house. But she treated me like I was invisible. She broke my heart in front of me. She lied to me, she ignored me and she mistreated me. I swore that THAT DAY, was the worse day ever. God, showed me otherwise. Sadly, I would like to rename the worse day of my life to ‘30th April 2014’
It was like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from.
Third time’s the charm right? well not really. So on top of the 1) secret pic and hugging with him around the corner 2) the cuddling and the kiss, now 3) they were away from the changing area and he was putting his arm around her and making her do things I never thought she would do. I was secretly done crying and went to the other side of the CC. I stood outside the glass building as I watched her break my heart in front me. If what I saw wasn’t bad enough, he was holding the sunflower, that I, Sophian Nasrullah, gave HER.
I stopped breathing. I forgot how to breathe. I am crying right now as I am typing this..
I ran to the same bench to cry again. but now someone was following me. let’s call this other guy, John. I hated John, John had been trying to get my girl since I got with her and always pestering and stalking her. God surprised me that night, once again. John had come up to me to apologise for the shit and all the hurt he had caused me in my relationship. I did not believe it. It wasn’t the best apology, but he sounded sincere and i accepted it. Never in a million years would I thought that John would so something as decent as that.
This is the second part of the night which destroyed me. To little pieces that I thought could never be replaced. Phone call. It was her.
…
'why did you leave my bag at the sofa? where are you?’
'Babe, i’m at the car porch, come here and i’ll tell you’
'No’
'Come here now, before I get angry, please don’t do this’
'i change my mind, i don’t want to know. bye. i’m going home.’
She hung up on me.
…
Apparently when i saw what happened when i turned the corner, I took those three steps back and dashed out of the CC. I left her bag and the flowers at the sofa. I totally did not realise, because my heart had dropped to my stomach.
Hold on.. I need to blow my nose and wipe away these tears.
Back.
Thanks to John, I found her. Kinda.
She didn’t want to pick up my phone calls, because she was being a bitch. I was crying and a lot of MJ people were starring at me. I was so angry and so worried for her.
Im gonna cut short here. I asked John to call her. She didn’t pick up. John then called that guy, know that one.. that guy.. yeah.. HIM. He picked up and told john he was otw home, john asked him to pass the phone to her. Then I motioned John to pass me the phone. She didn’t wanna talk to me and hung up, sorta. GUYS, guess what? She was in a cab with him. On the fucking way home. Just the two of them.
At this point of time, I thanked John for his helped. And sat down because i really forgot to breathe and things were happening too fast. Mind you, all this happened in Republic Poly, I was in Woodlands. THEY, omfg, they took a cab from woodlands and were headed to Tampines. Only God knows what happened in that 30mins long taxi ride. I figured that I was out of the picture.
I tried my best to pull myself together. I called my best friend and told him what was happening, and put down. I ran, in my boots, my not most comfy pair of prom shoes, from RP to the mrt. Crying and screaming like a madman. Yes, Ive accepted that last night i had turned into a crazy person.
I called my friend, Let’s call her Rose. Rose lived nearby, I asked her for money for a cab but unfortunately she didn’t, so i just started crying, she asked me what happened and i told her whatever I could in my sobbing voice.
I walked from one end of the interchange to the other end, explaining to Rose. I was crying, people were staring and i did not give a fuck. The tears wouldn’t stop. i finally reached Berth 16, the line for bus 168. More mj people, more stares. I still didn’t give a fuck. I hung up on Rose.
Afiqah. She came up to me from the line.
'what happened? where’s huda’
I broke down. I stood there and cried. I wanted answers to those questions too. She let me cut the line, and next thing i knew. I was sitting on the floor of the crowded bus. Crying into my forearms as they rested on my knees.
What are feelings? I don’t even know. What’s happening in the cab? i don’t even know. What’s gonna happen now? I DONT EVEN KNOW.
About ¾ of the journey, 3 missed calls and 2 texts. Un-fucking-believably it was her. And guess what folks? SHE. WAS. ANGRY. AT ME. er…. Hi I’m the one with the pieces of my heart on the bus floor travelling from woodlands to tampines and you’re telling me that YOU, ARE, ANGRY, AT, ME. I was in disbelief.
'Please, just wait under your block I’ll be there. I’m 4 stops away.’
I was determined to see her. To meet her. To see the face of the person who took my love and buried it alive right in front of my very eyes.
The moment the doors open. I stopped thinking and my legs couldn’t stop running. Once again i found myself running in my boots passing by about 7 blocks. I finally reached hers and screamed her name.
4 screams later and me trying to catch my breath. There she was under the block. Standing like a bitch. No offence but it was a fact. Rude face and rude body language, I’ve known her for six fucking years. I WOULD KNOW.
Im sorry for this extremely long note, but this is what happened next, it wasn’t very pretty. Im sorry.
…
It was like I was playing charades and the keywords were ‘hey huda thank you leaving me and doing that to me to another guy in front of my face and if that wasn’t bad enough, you got in a cab with him home, without telling me oh God why’
i poured my heart out while trying my best to control my tears. I told her every single thing, and replayed everything to her that she did. It was like a play, I was the main actor and she was the audience. but in actual fact, it was the other way around. she was the actress and i was watching, unfortunately, the scenes were REAL. She stood there like a bitch, watching me break down, I was angry. I threw my glasses to the floor.
'why did you do that, your dad bought them for you’
‘Because through these glasses and through these eyes, I saw everything, i saw the hidden truth, i saw the secrets you kept from me, and i saw you break my heart for the hundredth time.’
She finally grabbed my arm and told me to listen and as she spoke the truth (thats what i would like to think, but only God knows what she hides and what she shows) she told me more bad news and things that broke my already non existent heart that was left behind at the car porch of RP’s CC.
I stood there and listened to her, I tried so hard to keep it together, but i couldn’t breathe. I covered my mouth and cried in silence as i watched her lips moved and her words were like a noose that was slowly tightening around my neck. every sentence, the inches shortened. And I was losing oxygen. I was hoping that I would pass out. I cried again and she grabbed my body and forced me into a hug. I stood still and kinda embraced it. As i tried to breathe, i smelled nothing but his cologne and cried even harder. As she kissed me, I tasted nothing but lips of another. She needed to go, it was approximately 12.23am when i took a glance at my watch with my blurry eyes. I couldnt find my glasses, i was semi blind. I knelt down on the floor and cried as i found the lens from my glasses had parted from its body. I cried even harder because i so badly wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I also hated referring to her as a bitch but she acted like one, it was a fact. I couldn’t deny. She really needed to go home. She forced me into a hug, like thrice, kissed me thrice.
I smelled the same things and tasted that same awful taste.
I left without kissing her back or hugging her back, she said sorry but i couldn’t hear a thing because all i could hear was the devil whispering and laughing into my ear for falling into his evil trap. She got into the lift and didn’t want to look at me through that little elevator window. I wondered why.
Maybe because i looked like a crazy person but because she wanted to see was him. I will never know, and i don’t think i want to know.
I walked off, trying to fix my lens back into my glasses. Somehow I managed to put a little part of it into the body but it was still wasn’t fully in. I walked like a drunkard to the bus stop. Hoping that i didn’t miss the last bus back to Pasir ris or else i would have to walk. I had forgotten how to walk.
Right, left. right left, walk sophian walk. breathe. in and out. where am i? how do i get home? what is home? someone hold me, i’m about to fall.
Miraculously, I managed to get plain water from a nearby shop and i finally learned to drink, swallow and breathe again. Water. it really helped me. I sat down and waited for the bus. I couldn’t think anymore. I just hoped.
12.45am the bus arrived and i - omg sorry she just posted a photo on instagram and he was inside the photo, that very photo, that i was talking about earlier, omfg, everything is replaying again. oh my god. i can’t -
fuck this. i can’t think. i really can’t think. oh my god.
conclusion: Since she posted that photo, everything she said last night especially the ‘sorry’s were a lie. Why would she post if she knew it would hurt me.
second conclusion: she doesn’t care. she never did.
So back, I boarded the bus, sat down and breathe in and out really slowly.
1.03am I closed the door behind me, i was finally home. After a staggering walk with a twist in my ankle.
I bathed and I prayed.
I prayed for my death.
Im really sorry if there were typos or missing words. please understand that it took me a lot of courage to type everything out. and the parts where there were dialog might not have been exact that those were the parts i remembered.
- Sophian, 1st May 2014.
Goodbye.
ewatsondaily